February Fun

It is hard to believe February is almost over!! Where did it go??? The last I knew it was January and now, it's almost March!!!

February turned out to be a pretty fun and crazy month...but, aren't they all??

We had more basketball games. We got to see family. We got to play outside (when it was 60+ degrees!!). We went to some museums. We went roller skating. We spent time with friends.

All in all it was a fun time together. Here are some pictures from one of our museum trips!
We are looking forward to what March has in store...praying for more 60+ degree days!! :)

Between the 'SHOULD NOTs' and the 'AND YETs'

When you are in the middle of a family crisis, there are things you just do because they are necessary. There are actions you take because it's the only way you can cope with what's going on. Once the initial crisis is over, then come the reflections on what has just taken place.
Here are some of my thoughts about what has transpired in the last week.

1. Little boys should not lose their baby brothers before they've ever had the chance to truly meet them.

2. Little boys should not have to deal with the overwhelming grief that comes from such a loss.

3. Mothers and Fathers should not have to bury children.

4. Caskets should not be that tiny.

5. Those of us that have been around for years, can we say we've had the same impact on those around us as Zachary did in the 20 days he was on this earth?

6. NICU doctors and nurses are God's hands and feet on earth! For without them Zachary would not have had DAYS!

7. My Sister and Brother in law are some of the strongest people I know!

8. Children grieve much like adults do, yet children will actually tell you what they REALLY think about it!

9. This one I already knew, but truly SAW for the first time. God has a unique purpose and plan for each and every one of us - whether we have 20 days or 20 years, when that purpose is complete He calls us home and says, 'Well Done, my good and faithful servant!'

10. Mothers and Fathers should not have only a few pictures left to remind them of their precious baby - they should have albums full.

11. Grandmas and Grandpas should be able to hold and love their grandchildren, not bury them before they ever laid eyes on them.

12. Grandpas should not have to carry the tiny casket of their grandson.

Through this though, I keep coming back to the word, yet. In my heart I cry out to God and tell him all of these 'should nots' and then my heart says, 'AND YET!' My heart can't help but spill out all of the ways God is good; all of the ways God is faithful; all of the ways God is with us...

The 'SHOULD NOTs' will always be there, but we better be ready with the 'AND YETs' to counter them or we will be at risk of going down that slippery slope that leads to despair, distrust, and ultimately disbelief.

God can handle our yelling! He can handle our grief, He can take it. He knows we feel it, might as well get it out! But, what He can not handle and will not tolerate is if in that grief we turn our backs on Him in sin. That's where He draws the line.

As my Brother-in-law wrote on the day we buried Zachary..."Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. Job 1:21-22

So, here I am between the 'SHOULD NOTs' and the 'AND YETs.' Even here, God IS!

This song from Anthony Evans sums up what I'm feeling:

Beauty rises from the ashes
Sorrow turns to gladness when our God is near

You speak light into our darkness

You heal the broken hearted

You wipe away our tears

You're amazing God
You're amazing God

You can bear the weight of every heavy heart

You can heal the pain, you can clean the stain

You can turn our tears into songs of praise

You're amazing God

Utter Heartbreak

This post is in loving memory of Zachary Byron Taylor

January 13, 2011 - February 2, 2011

The pain is intense. It is actual, physical pain. It feels as though my heart is being ripped right out of my chest. It is hard to catch your breath at times. The anguish comes in waves. You never know when the next wave is going to overtake you. Then, you are at the mercy of the grief. You just have to let it overwhelm you, overtake you, give it back to Christ, then you wait for the next wave to come.

This describes the pain of the Auntie. It can not even come close to the pain of Mom, Dad, and big brother. I won't even try to understand or imagine what that pain is like. I can not. I have not carried a child, prayed over a child, then lost a child. I know my pain, but I do not know THAT pain.

And yet. Yet. That is a strange word at a time like this. And yet, there is hope. There is peace. There is comfort. There is purpose. There is faith.

There is hope because we know this life is not our final destination. There is hope because one day we too will be called to heaven and Zachary will be there waiting for us. There is hope that because Jesus Christ conquered the grave, death does not have the final say!

There is peace because we know Zachary is safe in the arms of Jesus today. There is peace because Zach is no longer in pain. He is now complete, safe, whole, alive and resting at the foot of the Throne of grace...the same Throne we lifted our prayers to.

There is comfort that can only come from Christ. Comfort that though we do not understand God's plan, there WAS a plan! There is comfort that Zachary's life drew many to Christ. There is comfort knowing that God knows this pain, that He catches every tear, that He carries this grief with us and wants to bring us to the other side. There is comfort in trusting His hand.

There is purpose. If you followed Zachary's journey you saw it. You saw the purpose. You saw thousands upon thousands joining together to storm the gates of heaven for this little life. I KNOW there were people who prayed for the first time in their lives for our family...I know because they were my friends. Friends who had never prayed before. That's purpose.
We may never know the whole scope of what Zachary's life here on earth will have in eternal consequences, but I do know that God was proclaimed and declared and somewhere - someone has learned a new or remembered something long forgotten...that there is a God who loves us!

There is faith. You couldn't follow Zachary's life and ignore the faith of his Mom and Dad. It was overwhelming faith. They knew they could not hold on to Zachary with tightly clinched fists...he belonged to God, he was only given to them for a moment. Did we want that moment to be longer -- to be many years with his family...ABSOLUTELY! Do we now doubt the God we profess because it did not turn out the way we wanted??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Our God is STILL good. Our God is STILL God. Our God is STILL loving. Our God is STILL faithful. Our God STILL answers prayers. Our God is STILL worthy. Our God is STILL trustworthy.

The pain is real. The pain is hard to understand. The questions are real. The questions are hard to answer. But, still, in all of the pain and the questions there is still God! In His timing and in His perfect plan we trust. That is the essence of faith after all. We can not claim to believe Him if we do not trust Him.

So, what do you do with utter heartbreak??? Bring it to Jesus! For in Him and ONLY in Him can the broken be restored!

Thank you for those that were praying for Zachary, his Mom, Dad, and big brother. Thank you for the prayers you prayed for the extended family. We will never be able to express what those prayers meant to us all. We do covet your prayers more than ever as we grieve the loss of Zachary. More prayers needed for Mom, Dad, and big brother...the grief is unimaginable. Pray for their strength, comfort, peace, faith...pray they will continue to be faithful, as they have been throughout this whole journey, to the One who gave Zachary to them in the first place. Pray for a hedge of protection to be around them, that the enemy will NOT be able to infiltrate their hearts and minds!! Pray for the rest of the family as well as we come along side them and help them through this next phase of their journey!

And now, a last goodbye:

Dearest Zachary,

Oh, how I wish I could have seen you with my own two eyes. Oh, how I wish I could have held you in my arms. But, that was not meant to be. Now you get to rest in the arms of Jesus. The place of true rest and comfort. You completed your work on this earth and God saw fit to heal you in the perfect sense of the word. While we will miss you and no one will ever be able to fill the Zachary-sized hole in our family we know that you are safe and whole and resting in the arms of the One who created you from the beginning. We love you and we miss you more than words can ever express. We promise that we will take really good care of your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother Trip. We know how much they are missing you and loved you. We will watch over them and continue to pray for them and walk beside them as they grieve your loss, but celebrate your homegoing. One day, we will see you again. Sleep well precious little Zachary as Jesus rocks you in His arms.

Love you always,
Auntie Serena