Somewhere between sadness and hope

The more I am confronted with the death of someone I know and love, the more I realize it is a strange dichotomy when a follower of Jesus goes Home.

You are sad at the loss, but celebrate the fact they are with Jesus now.
You feel guilty for celebrating.  (You shouldn't be happy, someone has died)
You feel guilty for being sad.  (You shouldn't be sad, they are in Heaven)
It is such a strange place to be in - somewhere between sadness and hope.

I firmly believe God knows all about that.  I think about Easter - I think about the cross...how sad God was at the weight of our sin upon His Son, so sad He had to turn away.  But, in the midst of that sadness, He KNEW what was coming next, He knew Easter was coming!
That brings me great comfort, God knows what I'm feeling right now!

What a blessing it is to have that hope - the hope of Easter - that hope changes EVERYTHING!  Without it, death is final.  Death wins.  But, because of Easter death does NOT have the final say!

Even in the midst of the hope, there is still a pain in my heart for what we've lost.  I still have to sit and hold my crying children as they mourn the loss of their Great PapPap - none of that changes - but, in the middle of the sadness you come face to face with the hope.  What a blessed thing!  If it wasn't for the hope, I'd completely fall apart...the hope holds me together.

In the sadness I can talk about the hope/truth that one day we will all be together again.  Without the hope of Easter, that's not possible.

In the sadness my heart literally is breaking in two over the pain of this loss, but there is the hope that God turns our mourning into dancing and works ALL things together for good.  Without the hope of Easter, there is emptiness.

So, even in the midst of my great sadness, my heart clings tightly to the hope that glorious Easter morning brought us.  He IS Risen, He IS Risen, indeed and because He is Risen, there is Hope for today and every day to come!  Because He is risen, I know my PapPap has heard the words, 'WELL DONE!', and will be spending eternity with the One he loved more than this life itself.  Because He is risen, good-bye is NOT forever, it's just - until we meet again!

Because He lives - I can face tomorrow
Because He lives - all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives!

AMEN and AMEN!

There are no words...

I've been trying to come up with a way to describe what the last 4 days have been like for me...I just don't think there IS a way...there are no words.

On Thursday morning I got up to head to the airport for my flight to Michigan.  Now, some of you know how TERRIFIED I am of flying, but most of you probably don't!  It is a completely irrational, yet rational fear!  There is a definite reason FOR the fear, yet the responses my body goes through TO the fear are irrational at best!  :)

Anyway, I boarded my plane and headed to Michigan.  Why?  Why would I 'face my fear' and fly to Michigan?  Because that is where my Grandfather is, who I call PapPap.  He is in Michigan and he is dying.  That is what got me on a plane.  In January of this year he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  The cancer had taken over his body so completely that doctors can't even tell us what kind it is!  They sent him home with the diagnosis and hospice.

Over the past couple of weeks things have gone downhill, rather quickly in my opinion, so much so that I had to make a decision - to go and say good-bye, or not.  A decision I really wrestled with.  But, after a lot of prayer and guidance from my amazing husband, I decided the only decision I would regret was NOT going!

I have been getting updates from my Mom so I knew the 'condition' he was in, so I began to mentally prepare myself that the man I was going to see was not going to be the one I 'knew.'  I knew it was going to be hard, but there is nothing that could have prepared me for just how HARD it would be!

It is painfully obvious that PapPap's time left on earth is very short.  That pains my heart to think about.  I've shared about grief on this blog before, when my nephew passed away I spoke of the physical pain that comes, and that pain came flooding back with a vengeance!

I had some wonderful moments sitting and talking to him, caring for him, meeting some of the amazing people that care for him daily - wonderful moments I will remember for the rest of my life.

I was able to have a very special moment - just the two of us - it was what I prayed for, I asked God to give me that opportunity and I will be forever grateful that God answered that prayer!  We shared a God moment - you could feel Jesus in the room.  Again, a moment I will NEVER forget!

There are just no words to describe what I'm feeling - no words to describe how much this man of God means to me and my family - no words to describe how grateful I am that he is going to see Jesus soon...there are no words - there are only tears.