This year they added a new 'feature' -- recording with the choir!! AHH!!! Not only were we going to get to worship and sing with the choir on Sunday morning...we would be learning 3 songs and recording a CD!! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?! SO exciting!!! It truly was a dream come true!
The weekend started out with us not really knowing what to expect. We headed in to Brooklyn and were amazed at how beautiful the church was! Wow! It seats over 3,500 people. The choir loft holds 300! Still, a dream come true to even go to the church. Then, we find our seats and wait for the conference to start, still not knowing what to expect...Carol Cymbala walked past us and said, 'Welcome, it's good to have you here.' Another dream come true :) Although, I am sure she said that to everyone she could, but still! :)
Then, it started. I was overwhelmed by the movement of the Holy Spirit as we stood and worshipped our God! It was like Heaven itself had descended upon me and said 'OK, get ready for something new!' Now, don't get me wrong. I walk into a church service looking, ready to hear from the Holy Spirit, ready for Him to do something in my life, but to have that full-body 'something is going on' feeling, I haven't felt in a long time. I stood there worshipping and weeping! I was so overcome with His Spirit, it is truly indescribable!
Just when I thought I was 'ok', and I could 'relax' and enjoy the conference it happened again. This time, during the speaker's message. You see, I've been dealing with a lot of hurt, past hurt that keeps coming back to haunt me. Hurt that Satan uses every time he gets to tell me I am not worth anything, I cannot be used by God, He doesn't want me as this messed up, broken person. In my heart, I know that is wrong, but my mind couldn't grab hold of that truth and kept replaying the hurt over and over. I've been praying for healing, praying for release and freedom, and was waiting for that to come.
The speaker said something so profound to me that day...He was talking about a part of the Scripture found in 2 Kings. About King Hezekiah and how he had been scared - literally and emotionally by past hurts, but that God overcame those scars and 'robed' him as King and blessed his reign. The speaker said this..."We stand in our Sunday garb and no one sees what's underneath, no one sees the scars. But, God can still use you and make you who you were meant to be. The danger is God can use you to minister with scars, but not wounded. When we have wounds that have yet to be healed, the venom, anger, animosity come out, not the sweetness of the Holy Spirit. The language of the scarred does NOT talk about the people who hurt us, it does not focus on the scars, but on the power of God in and through those scars, and God's big picture. Your scars DO NOT disqualify you from doing the ministry God has called you to!"
Wow! Did he just say exactly what had been playing in my mind? Could it be this is really happening?? Is anyone else hearing this?? This was me, walking wounded. God was speaking directly to me. He does not want me to walk around wounded, He wants to put His 'robe' on me and bless the ministry He has called me to.
Ok, that was enough to digest, right??? NO! God in His infinite mercy wasn't finished with me yet!! More worship services speaking into my heart exactly what I needed to hear...more and more, over and over, God was saying, 'Are you listening? Do you hear? I WANT to heal you, are you ready???' I needed to go through this whole process to get to the place where I was ready for the healing. Doesn't that seem stupid. I was praying for the healing, but I wasn't ready for the healing God wanted to bestow. He walked with me through the process and at every single step filled me with His love and grace, telling me it was going to be ok, it was time to let go.
The culmination of the weekend came on Sunday. Worshipping with the congregation, climbing those risers and sing with the choir, what an experience, but that is not really what I will remember the most. It's what happened next....
It happened in the sermon. Jim Cymbala got up and said these words, "I don't know why I feel this, but I think God has brought some of you here this weekend to hear these words"...ok, at this moment I was thinking, 'here we go again...' He kept saying it, 'I think God has brought some of you here just to hear these words.' And then through Jim Cymbala God hit me upside my head with a ton of holy bricks!!
It was during that message as I sat and listened to the words from God shared by Pastor Cymbala that the GREATEST birthday dream came true...TOTAL FREEDOM! A COMPLETE healing of my mind!!! It's gone, that record that has played over and over for years, that bondage Satan had placed in my mind, it was GONE! Completely gone! It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I could not stop sobbing. The healing I had longed for, the healing I had prayed for was there, right in front of my face...it was happening in that moment!
It was the greatest birthday gift ever. A new year, a new life, a new me. Was it that I didn't believe the healing was possible??? No, I knew God could do it, I was just beginning to wonder if He would...now I know why. I don't think I would have been ready to receive it had it happened any sooner. God sweetly and gently prepared my heart and mind for the healing and in that moment as we sang 'I Surrender All' with our hands on our heads, God healed my mind!
You see, we worry about what we put in our bodies, the food we eat, the exercise we do, we are concerned about everything else, but do we put the same thought into what goes into our minds?? No, we really don't. Our minds are an open door, a revolving door, and we allow all kinds of crap to go in and out of our minds. But, the Bible is clear...we are to 'GUARD OUR MINDS!' Satan knows this which is why it is so easy to steer Christians in to worry, doubt, etc. We are not good at guarding our minds. Well, not this Child of God...NO MORE! There's a wall around my mind now, if Satan wants to get in there again, he'll have to go through the Word of God and the Blood of Jesus that has healed me if he wants to succeed again! Now, I am not naive, I know this is not going to be easy! I know that Satan is going to come at me with everything in his stupid bag of tricks, but I have a plan! :) When you sing of God's greatness, when you read His word, you can't worry, you can't doubt, you can't replay lies in your head...it's not possible, those things are not of God!!
I wish I could fully explain what the healing felt like...I can't explain what it felt like to wake up this morning released and free. It's a new beginning! It's a new year! It's a birthday dream come true!!
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