Grief...should be a four letter word

If you've ever lost someone you love, you know what I mean when I say grief should be a four letter word...it really rots!


My PapPap passed away the morning after Easter - he had the BEST Easter of any of us!!  There was a span of about 2 weeks until the funeral, but life went on, there really wasn't any time to process the magnitude of what just happened.  I KNEW it would come, for all of us, it was just a matter of when...


Grief is something we don't talk a lot about - I don't know why - but, I thought I'd share the process of a couple of us (just so you know, we are still IN the process!)...


Caleb -- Caleb is 6 - but, he understands more deeply than some adults I know the value of true relationship!  He and Great PapPap were BEST BUDDIES -- I mean, best buddies!  They LOVED spending time together - fishing and just sitting close, arms wrapped around each other.  Caleb LOVED his Great PapPap.  When I told him that GP was sick and would be going to Heaven soon my sweet boy just broke down.  NO, he yelled, I don't want him to leave, I want him to stay here.  My sentiments exactly!!!  My sweet boy would cry just about every day leading up to PapPap's passing.  It would hit him at random moments - he would just burst into tears and when you'd ask him what was wrong, he would say he didn't want GP to leave!!!
His reaction was so deep and filled with pain that it worried me when I told him PapPap had passed that he had NO REACTION AT ALL - not a single tear, not a word, he looked at me, then left.  I didn't want to push him, so we gave him space to let things process at HIS pace.  I knew the moment would come when the pain would overwhelm him and it did...at the funeral.  We walked in to the church, he saw GP's picture on the screen up front and started screaming and sobbing.  It was a cry no mother ever wants to hear - it was coming from the very depths of his being- he couldn't control it...it was the sound of utter pain and loss.  I can only imagine that is what it would have been like at the cross.
He cried for so long and so hard he fell asleep on my lap during the service, he was just worn out from grief.  It broke my heart to see him grieving, but in that moment, I knew he was going to be ok.  He had processed and allowed the grief to overwhelm him - he didn't push it away like we adults do at times!  He still has moments where he is sad, but now, when he talks about GP it's all the fun they had together - it's joy, not sadness.  He is SO proud to have one of GP's Bibles and keeps asking when is he old enough to use it!!  He also keeps asking about the pocket knife that got passed down to him too!  :)


Me -- going to let you in on my secret grief.  Yes, I used the word secret because I am one of those adults who won't let you know the pain I'm feeling - I keep it to myself...which is not always good.
As I said, those 2 weeks leading up to the funeral were so busy there was no time to think about grief or how I felt about PapPap's passing.  There were kids to watch, school to do, packing to be done -- we were driving so there was all kinds of stuff that needed to happen before we left -- enough to keep me busy that I didn't have to think about it...just what I wanted!  My moment came at the funeral as well.  It was a crazy weekend - I think satan wanted to stop the celebration - he sure tried hard enough!!!  I got sick (strep and sinus infection), my uncle was in a severe motorcycle accident, Caleb busted his head open and needed staples...it was a crazy weekend.  It was also more than I could handle...I too walked into the sanctuary and burst into tears, then hearing the pain my son was experiencing overwhelmed me.  I couldn't stop crying.  The service was a beautiful celebration of a life well lived and a testimony to God's grace and how He can use people, if they are willing!  We had a few days of relaxation after that, then headed home.  I fully expected to have turned the corner, so to speak, on my grief...
I got home and was not ok.  I would wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't want to talk to any one, see any one, I just wanted to be alone and stay in bed.  This went on for weeks.  As I was in this place I would say to God- why am I feeling like this, WHAT am I feeling.  I couldn't even put a name to what I was feeling.  As I processed and prayed, I realized what I was feeling was grief (DUH!), but it was more than that.  As I peeled away the layers of my grief I realized I felt all alone.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know this doesn't make sense...but, stay with me  :)
I felt like I had been abandoned.  Like I was all alone in some dark room with no way out and all of satan's forces closing in on me.  You see, I KNEW my Grandparents prayed for me everyday, I knew that PapPap prayed for me everyday and when he passed away, I felt like all my support left me.  That now I was left here to try and fend for myself without any back up!  Knowing they were praying for me was how I got through some tough times - I could feel the prayers.  Now, I know I am not alone, I know my parents pray for me, and I would like to think others do as well.  This is the place my grief took me.  
As I continued to process God was gently reminding my heart -- You're not alone, I'm right here with you!  They haven't left you, you haven't lost your support, they are still cheering you on!  That sweet guidance of the Spirit helped me begin to turn the corner.  Am I still grieving...YES, does it still hurt... IMMENSELY...do I still see senior citizens and burst into tears, YES, I have to admit (must look like a fool in the mall!!)!  but, my sorrow is slowly turning to joy...


We celebrated mother's day this past weekend with my parents and my mom gave me a necklace - it is a heart that has a piece missing in the shape of a tear.  It had a saying with it - - I shut the box quickly, with tears streaming down my face and told her thank you, but I couldn't read it...not yet!  A couple of days later I got up the courage to read it (and sobbed the whole way through!) and it was perfect!!  Here is what it said:


Since Heaven has become your home I sometimes feel I'm so alone; and though we now are far apart you hold a big piece of my heart.


I never knew how much I'd grieve when it was time for you to leave, or just how much my heart would ache from that one fragment you would take.


God lets this tender hole remain reminding me we'll meet again, and one day all the pain will cease when He restores this missing piece.


He'll turn to joy my every tear and when I wear this necklace near it will become my special way to treasure our Reunion Day!


Yup...that's says it better than I ever could!!  So, for now, God is holding on to me and that tender hole and he is beginning to turn to joy my every tear!  Thanks be to God!!!