I don't want to say 'good bye'

Grief. You say the word and depending on where you are, who you are with, how you are feeling it will have a different meaning.

It is a word and a state that at the heart of the matter is dependent on your view of the world. Do you come at grief from the eyes of a Christian, one who believes there is life after death OR do you come at it from the stand point that this life is all there is, then you die. I am sure there are other ways to view it, I just can't think of any at the moment.

For me, I believe there IS life after death, if there is belief in Jesus Christ. But, it is here where grief becomes confusing. As I have grieved the loss of 3 special people in my life, and begin the process of grieving a 4th, in the last 2 years I have learned that grief for a Christian is a very funny thing. Your feelings deceive you at times. It is almost like a Jekyll and Hyde kind of feeling. One minute you are rejoicing that your loved one has gone home to be with Jesus, then the next minute you crying out, ' NO, I wanted them to stay here.' Your feelings become your worst enemy at times. Was your rejoicing a lie if you still cry out to God in heartbreak and wish the outcome was different?? NO!! You can still rejoice in the homegoing while missing that person so deeply it hurts. God knows and understands that.

Why is this even on my mind??

Friday will be one year since my nephew Zachary left this earth and went to be with Jesus. He was just 20 days old. There are still moments, many moments, where I ask God "why?" I know His ways are higher than mine, I know He has a purpose and plan, but I still wonder what He is doing. Especially when I look back over the last year. I still don't understand, I may never understand, but I still trust that God is good. My faith is not shaken, it is still firm in the grasp of my Savior.

Grief is a very strange thing.

My family is going through anticipatory grief, if that is even a word, right now. We have begun grieving the death that is inevitable.

My Grandfather, who we all call PapPap, (aka: Willie, Uncle Willie, Willis, Scotty, the list could go on!) is dying. Doctors have said there is nothing they can do. This 'anticipation' is awful, if I can be so honest. It gives you so much time to think. You have time to think about every special memory you have of that person. You have time to think about what life will be like without them. Too much time to think at times. Although, maybe the thinking is good. Maybe the thinking is a gift, to help you remember everything you adored about that person. Maybe the 'anticipation' helps weed everything out until you get to the heart of your grief...the heart of what you believe.

I have moments of celebration. I know my PapPap will be going to Heaven to be with Jesus - my Grandmother will be waiting for him, as will his brother and parents, the list could go on. But, oh, how I wish the outcome could be different. I wish it with everything in my being when I look into the weeping eyes of my 6 year old son as he so honestly cries, 'I just want him to stay here, Mommy, I just want him to stay here.'

You see, grief takes on a whole new dimension when you see grief through the eyes of a child. They have faith that is unlike 'adult' faith - adult faith sometimes plays games and sometimes it isn't genuine, trying to put on a brave face or act like they have everything together. The faith of a child has no pretense. It is raw, honest faith. The kind of faith that tells it like it is...'I just want him to stay here, Mommy.'

God honors that kind of grief and brings healing as much as he honors those that put on the brave face...we all grieve differently, the question becomes what do we do in that grief, with that grief. Do we turn TOWARDS God for peace, comfort or do we turn away FROM God in anger and doubt.

Good bye is coming. It is inevitable. I can't stop it, I can't change it, it will happen. I don't want to say good bye, I don't want to. I don't want to walk through the grief, again. Grief is hard, it hurts.

BUT, I love that word, BUT -- there is a light in the darkness. There is a peace in the storm. There is hope that this is NOT really good bye. I can hold on to the hand of God as I say my good byes - He had to say good bye to His Son. He knows the pain of loss, He knows what that feels like. So, I can trust Him. I DO trust Him. So, I can say 'good bye' knowing that one day I will see my PapPap again.

There is a song in a Disney movie (I know, I've ruined this whole thing :) ) that seems to fit...although, I'm changing the words!

Good bye is NOT forever
Farewell is NOT the end

For in my heart's a memory

And there you'll always be... until we meet again!