Utter Heartbreak

This post is in loving memory of Zachary Byron Taylor

January 13, 2011 - February 2, 2011

The pain is intense. It is actual, physical pain. It feels as though my heart is being ripped right out of my chest. It is hard to catch your breath at times. The anguish comes in waves. You never know when the next wave is going to overtake you. Then, you are at the mercy of the grief. You just have to let it overwhelm you, overtake you, give it back to Christ, then you wait for the next wave to come.

This describes the pain of the Auntie. It can not even come close to the pain of Mom, Dad, and big brother. I won't even try to understand or imagine what that pain is like. I can not. I have not carried a child, prayed over a child, then lost a child. I know my pain, but I do not know THAT pain.

And yet. Yet. That is a strange word at a time like this. And yet, there is hope. There is peace. There is comfort. There is purpose. There is faith.

There is hope because we know this life is not our final destination. There is hope because one day we too will be called to heaven and Zachary will be there waiting for us. There is hope that because Jesus Christ conquered the grave, death does not have the final say!

There is peace because we know Zachary is safe in the arms of Jesus today. There is peace because Zach is no longer in pain. He is now complete, safe, whole, alive and resting at the foot of the Throne of grace...the same Throne we lifted our prayers to.

There is comfort that can only come from Christ. Comfort that though we do not understand God's plan, there WAS a plan! There is comfort that Zachary's life drew many to Christ. There is comfort knowing that God knows this pain, that He catches every tear, that He carries this grief with us and wants to bring us to the other side. There is comfort in trusting His hand.

There is purpose. If you followed Zachary's journey you saw it. You saw the purpose. You saw thousands upon thousands joining together to storm the gates of heaven for this little life. I KNOW there were people who prayed for the first time in their lives for our family...I know because they were my friends. Friends who had never prayed before. That's purpose.
We may never know the whole scope of what Zachary's life here on earth will have in eternal consequences, but I do know that God was proclaimed and declared and somewhere - someone has learned a new or remembered something long forgotten...that there is a God who loves us!

There is faith. You couldn't follow Zachary's life and ignore the faith of his Mom and Dad. It was overwhelming faith. They knew they could not hold on to Zachary with tightly clinched fists...he belonged to God, he was only given to them for a moment. Did we want that moment to be longer -- to be many years with his family...ABSOLUTELY! Do we now doubt the God we profess because it did not turn out the way we wanted??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Our God is STILL good. Our God is STILL God. Our God is STILL loving. Our God is STILL faithful. Our God STILL answers prayers. Our God is STILL worthy. Our God is STILL trustworthy.

The pain is real. The pain is hard to understand. The questions are real. The questions are hard to answer. But, still, in all of the pain and the questions there is still God! In His timing and in His perfect plan we trust. That is the essence of faith after all. We can not claim to believe Him if we do not trust Him.

So, what do you do with utter heartbreak??? Bring it to Jesus! For in Him and ONLY in Him can the broken be restored!

Thank you for those that were praying for Zachary, his Mom, Dad, and big brother. Thank you for the prayers you prayed for the extended family. We will never be able to express what those prayers meant to us all. We do covet your prayers more than ever as we grieve the loss of Zachary. More prayers needed for Mom, Dad, and big brother...the grief is unimaginable. Pray for their strength, comfort, peace, faith...pray they will continue to be faithful, as they have been throughout this whole journey, to the One who gave Zachary to them in the first place. Pray for a hedge of protection to be around them, that the enemy will NOT be able to infiltrate their hearts and minds!! Pray for the rest of the family as well as we come along side them and help them through this next phase of their journey!

And now, a last goodbye:

Dearest Zachary,

Oh, how I wish I could have seen you with my own two eyes. Oh, how I wish I could have held you in my arms. But, that was not meant to be. Now you get to rest in the arms of Jesus. The place of true rest and comfort. You completed your work on this earth and God saw fit to heal you in the perfect sense of the word. While we will miss you and no one will ever be able to fill the Zachary-sized hole in our family we know that you are safe and whole and resting in the arms of the One who created you from the beginning. We love you and we miss you more than words can ever express. We promise that we will take really good care of your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother Trip. We know how much they are missing you and loved you. We will watch over them and continue to pray for them and walk beside them as they grieve your loss, but celebrate your homegoing. One day, we will see you again. Sleep well precious little Zachary as Jesus rocks you in His arms.

Love you always,
Auntie Serena

January Recap

It is hard to believe January is almost over!! It's just been one thing after another, one snowstorm after another...and then, here we are, at the end.

Upward basketball started a couple of weeks ago. All 3 kids are playing this year! It's been fun to watch Caleb learn the game. He seems to enjoy it. Daddy was teaching him how to dribble last night, it was pretty cute!! Hannah is really getting better this year. She is making baskets pretty consistently in practice, but gets excited in the games and doesn't get her self set right. But, that's ok, it's still fun to watch and she continues to improve! Kaitlyn is still quite impressive...who knew this was her THING! She is rounding out her skills and does well in each position! She is still a force to be reckoned with on defense...you do NOT want her guarding you!!

I had the privilege this month of speaking at our Women's Ministry night. It was a great night with the ladies of our church! I was nervous speaking and sharing such a sensitive and personal subject, but God in His infinite wisdom knew it needed to be shared, knew who was going to be there, and knew what my testimony would mean to others. I've had over a dozen women e-mail me and tell me what a blessing it was to hear what God had done and how they really needed to hear what I had to say because they are in the same place. Hearing my testimony gave them hope that they too could be released and free from the hold Satan had on their minds. I was shocked. I knew God redeemed those broken places in our lives, I had seen it happen for others, but never for myself. I was so overwhelmed that He would use me and my brokenness to speak to others. It was a true blessing.

We are looking forward to more fun and apparently, more snow!!!

Enjoy some pictures of the last few weeks!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, and Happy New Year!!

We had another wonderful family get-together for Christmas! My Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law, and niece came up to spend the Christmas holiday with us! We had a great time, despite both Mom and Dad being sick with the flu...which the graciously left for us :)

The kids enjoyed having family around, playing games, going to church, playing in the snow, opening their gifts, celebrating Jesus' birthday, celebrating Kaitlyn's birthday, seeing friends, and ringing in the new year.

While the whole crew was here we got family portraits done again. This time we had a friend of ours from college come to the house and take the pictures. She did a FABULOUS job!! I can't wait to share them all with you!! If you're in the area and you're looking for someone to take some great pictures check out www.simplymella.com . You will NOT be disappointed!

During the festivities we also celebrated Kaitlyn's 11th birthday! It is so hard to believe she is 11! She is such an amazing young lady. We couldn't be more proud to be her parents! This coming weekend I will be taking Kaitlyn and 3 of her friends out for a special birthday dinner. It's getter harder to figure out 'parties' for her, especially around the holiday...maybe we'll do some sort of fun thing this summer as a 1/2 birthday celebration, no presents, just a fun time for her with a bunch of her friends.

Then came ringing in the new year! 2011! Now, THAT's hard to believe! How did we celebrate?? Well, Jeff and I had been sick the 2 days before with the flu. Just when we started feeling better and just as the new year was approaching, Caleb got sick! Then, Kaitlyn joined him, then Hannah followed a couple of days later! What a way to begin the new year. I just keep thinking, the only place to go from here is up! :)

As I have been looking back over 2010 I can't help but see a reoccurring theme...the goodness of God! It was everywhere in our family this year. In each and every memory and moment from 2010 I can't help but see the goodness of God and see His hand working in and through us! It gives me such hope for this new year. God has promised never to leave us or forsake us, so, if I saw His hand and goodness in 2010, I am guaranteed to see His hand and goodness in 2011. Now, when you think about life that way, you can't help but be excited for a new year!! May God Bless you and your families this coming year. May YOU see His hand and His goodness in your life this year!

Photo Update

Since the last posting we've put up the Christmas tree (well, before T-giving), went to NY for Thanksgiving, and all 5 of us were part of our church Christmas musical (Serena sang 2 solos, Jeff sang a duet, Kaitlyn sang a solo, Hannah was a child narrator, and Caleb was the cutest angel). It's been a busy couple of weeks and we're gearing up for the fun to come!!! Will be posting more pictures and updates as Christmas gets closer...

Here are some pictures of what we've been up to lately:

Thanksgiving

We have SO much to be thankful for -- a house, Jeff's job, our kids, health, family, etc. The list could go on forever. It certainly would take more than ONE day to tell all the things we have to be thankful for. But, this year, I got to thinking...yes, all of those things are good and yes, we should be thankful for those, but too often we forget about the most important things.

Grace, Forgiveness, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, God the Father, Sacrifice, Mercy, Peace, Joy... Again, this list could go on forever. Seems only fitting to me that we should be thankful for THE GOD who gives us all of these good things, not just the things themselves. But, how often do we forget the giver of the gifts?!?!

During this season of Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas, may we remember the GIVER and be thankful!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANNAH!!

Wow, the craziness...time needs to stop flying! It is so hard to believe Hannah turned 8 yesterday!! It really does not seem possible for her to be 8! It's been a really rough year for her, health-wise...the Lyme disease is really taking its toll on her -- we are fighting a major battle and it feels like we are losing. I just keep praying that God will continue to work through the doctors and bring her to full healing...it's just taking longer than this mommy would like! I trust in God's timing and His hand and I can see how He is working in the whole situation...but, as her mom, it's hard to sit by at watch it happen!! So, if you think of us, pray for Hannah!!

She had a great birthday, though. She was allowed to have 3 friends over for a sleepover. It was fun!! They made pizzas (Hannah's was cheese-less, of course) and had cake! Then they watched some Tinker Bell movies, it was a Tinker Bell party after all, played hairdresser, and lots of other fun stuff!! She had a great time, but no sleep, with her friends!! Her actual birthday was yesterday...2 Sunday's before the musical is a crazy day to have a birthday! But, I don't think she was bothered by it! She is such a sweet young lady and we are so thankful to have her in our lives!! We are looking forward to a great year, 8 is great!!! :)

Enjoy some pictures of the day!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALEB!!!

Wow...has it really been FIVE years?!?!?!

Can't be possible!! But, it is. My 'baby' is FIVE!!!! I wish I could somehow stop time and keep my kids little forever, but I can't. The fun part though is watching them grow and the fun we have as a family with 'big kids'...certainly changes life to not have any 'babies' in our house!

Here are some pictures from his fun day!!