Somewhere between sadness and hope

The more I am confronted with the death of someone I know and love, the more I realize it is a strange dichotomy when a follower of Jesus goes Home.

You are sad at the loss, but celebrate the fact they are with Jesus now.
You feel guilty for celebrating.  (You shouldn't be happy, someone has died)
You feel guilty for being sad.  (You shouldn't be sad, they are in Heaven)
It is such a strange place to be in - somewhere between sadness and hope.

I firmly believe God knows all about that.  I think about Easter - I think about the cross...how sad God was at the weight of our sin upon His Son, so sad He had to turn away.  But, in the midst of that sadness, He KNEW what was coming next, He knew Easter was coming!
That brings me great comfort, God knows what I'm feeling right now!

What a blessing it is to have that hope - the hope of Easter - that hope changes EVERYTHING!  Without it, death is final.  Death wins.  But, because of Easter death does NOT have the final say!

Even in the midst of the hope, there is still a pain in my heart for what we've lost.  I still have to sit and hold my crying children as they mourn the loss of their Great PapPap - none of that changes - but, in the middle of the sadness you come face to face with the hope.  What a blessed thing!  If it wasn't for the hope, I'd completely fall apart...the hope holds me together.

In the sadness I can talk about the hope/truth that one day we will all be together again.  Without the hope of Easter, that's not possible.

In the sadness my heart literally is breaking in two over the pain of this loss, but there is the hope that God turns our mourning into dancing and works ALL things together for good.  Without the hope of Easter, there is emptiness.

So, even in the midst of my great sadness, my heart clings tightly to the hope that glorious Easter morning brought us.  He IS Risen, He IS Risen, indeed and because He is Risen, there is Hope for today and every day to come!  Because He is risen, I know my PapPap has heard the words, 'WELL DONE!', and will be spending eternity with the One he loved more than this life itself.  Because He is risen, good-bye is NOT forever, it's just - until we meet again!

Because He lives - I can face tomorrow
Because He lives - all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives!

AMEN and AMEN!

There are no words...

I've been trying to come up with a way to describe what the last 4 days have been like for me...I just don't think there IS a way...there are no words.

On Thursday morning I got up to head to the airport for my flight to Michigan.  Now, some of you know how TERRIFIED I am of flying, but most of you probably don't!  It is a completely irrational, yet rational fear!  There is a definite reason FOR the fear, yet the responses my body goes through TO the fear are irrational at best!  :)

Anyway, I boarded my plane and headed to Michigan.  Why?  Why would I 'face my fear' and fly to Michigan?  Because that is where my Grandfather is, who I call PapPap.  He is in Michigan and he is dying.  That is what got me on a plane.  In January of this year he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  The cancer had taken over his body so completely that doctors can't even tell us what kind it is!  They sent him home with the diagnosis and hospice.

Over the past couple of weeks things have gone downhill, rather quickly in my opinion, so much so that I had to make a decision - to go and say good-bye, or not.  A decision I really wrestled with.  But, after a lot of prayer and guidance from my amazing husband, I decided the only decision I would regret was NOT going!

I have been getting updates from my Mom so I knew the 'condition' he was in, so I began to mentally prepare myself that the man I was going to see was not going to be the one I 'knew.'  I knew it was going to be hard, but there is nothing that could have prepared me for just how HARD it would be!

It is painfully obvious that PapPap's time left on earth is very short.  That pains my heart to think about.  I've shared about grief on this blog before, when my nephew passed away I spoke of the physical pain that comes, and that pain came flooding back with a vengeance!

I had some wonderful moments sitting and talking to him, caring for him, meeting some of the amazing people that care for him daily - wonderful moments I will remember for the rest of my life.

I was able to have a very special moment - just the two of us - it was what I prayed for, I asked God to give me that opportunity and I will be forever grateful that God answered that prayer!  We shared a God moment - you could feel Jesus in the room.  Again, a moment I will NEVER forget!

There are just no words to describe what I'm feeling - no words to describe how much this man of God means to me and my family - no words to describe how grateful I am that he is going to see Jesus soon...there are no words - there are only tears.

One Year - Part Two

This is a post I wrote one year ago. It's amazing how it can still be so poignant today - as we wait for PapPap's passing...I am once again between the 'SHOULD NOTs' and the 'AND YETs'!

Somewhere between the 'SHOULD NOTs' and the 'AND YETs':

When you are in the middle of a family crisis, there are things you just do because they are necessary. There are actions you take because it's the only way you can cope with what's going on. Once the initial crisis is over, then come the reflections on what has just taken place.
Here are some of my thoughts about what has transpired in the last week.

1. Little boys should not lose their baby brothers before they've ever had the chance to truly meet them.
2. Little boys should not have to deal with the overwhelming grief that comes from such a loss.
3. Mothers and Fathers should not have to bury children.
4. Caskets should not be that tiny.
5. Those of us that have been around for years, can we say we've had the same impact on those around us as Zachary did in the 20 days he was on this earth?
6. NICU doctors and nurses are God's hands and feet on earth! For without them Zachary would not have had DAYS!
7. My Sister in law is the STRONGEST woman I know!
8. Children grieve much like adults do, yet children will actually tell you what they REALLY think about it!
9. This one I already knew, but truly SAW for the first time. God has a unique purpose and plan for each and every one of us - whether we have 20 days or 20 years, when that purpose is complete He calls us home and says, 'Well Done, my good and faithful servant!'
10. Mothers should not have only a few pictures left to remind them of their precious baby - they should have albums full.
11. Grandmas and Grandpas should be able to hold and love their grandchildren, not bury them before they ever laid eyes on them.
12. Grandpas should not have to carry the tiny casket of their grandson.

Through this though, I keep coming back to the word, yet. In my heart I cry out to God and tell him all of these 'should nots' and then my heart says, 'AND YET!' My heart can't help but spill out all of the ways God is good; all of the ways God is faithful; all of the ways God is with us...The 'SHOULD NOTs' will always be there, but we better be ready with the 'AND YETs' to counter them or we will be at risk of going down that slippery slope that leads to despair, distrust, and ultimately disbelief.
God can handle our yelling! He can handle our grief, He can take it. He knows we feel it, might as well get it out! But, what He can not handle and will not tolerate is if in that grief we turn our backs on Him in sin. That's where He draws the line.
One of the scriptures read on the day we buried Zachary was..."Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. Job 1:21-22
So, here I am between the 'SHOULD NOTs' and the 'AND YETs.' Even here, God IS!
This song from Anthony Evans sums up what I'm feeling:
Beauty rises from the ashes
Sorrow turns to gladness when our God is near

You speak light into our darkness

You heal the broken hearted

You wipe away our tears
You're amazing God
You're amazing God

You can bear the weight of every heavy heart

You can heal the pain, you can clean the stain

You can turn our tears into songs of praise

You're amazing God

I don't want to say 'good bye'

Grief. You say the word and depending on where you are, who you are with, how you are feeling it will have a different meaning.

It is a word and a state that at the heart of the matter is dependent on your view of the world. Do you come at grief from the eyes of a Christian, one who believes there is life after death OR do you come at it from the stand point that this life is all there is, then you die. I am sure there are other ways to view it, I just can't think of any at the moment.

For me, I believe there IS life after death, if there is belief in Jesus Christ. But, it is here where grief becomes confusing. As I have grieved the loss of 3 special people in my life, and begin the process of grieving a 4th, in the last 2 years I have learned that grief for a Christian is a very funny thing. Your feelings deceive you at times. It is almost like a Jekyll and Hyde kind of feeling. One minute you are rejoicing that your loved one has gone home to be with Jesus, then the next minute you crying out, ' NO, I wanted them to stay here.' Your feelings become your worst enemy at times. Was your rejoicing a lie if you still cry out to God in heartbreak and wish the outcome was different?? NO!! You can still rejoice in the homegoing while missing that person so deeply it hurts. God knows and understands that.

Why is this even on my mind??

Friday will be one year since my nephew Zachary left this earth and went to be with Jesus. He was just 20 days old. There are still moments, many moments, where I ask God "why?" I know His ways are higher than mine, I know He has a purpose and plan, but I still wonder what He is doing. Especially when I look back over the last year. I still don't understand, I may never understand, but I still trust that God is good. My faith is not shaken, it is still firm in the grasp of my Savior.

Grief is a very strange thing.

My family is going through anticipatory grief, if that is even a word, right now. We have begun grieving the death that is inevitable.

My Grandfather, who we all call PapPap, (aka: Willie, Uncle Willie, Willis, Scotty, the list could go on!) is dying. Doctors have said there is nothing they can do. This 'anticipation' is awful, if I can be so honest. It gives you so much time to think. You have time to think about every special memory you have of that person. You have time to think about what life will be like without them. Too much time to think at times. Although, maybe the thinking is good. Maybe the thinking is a gift, to help you remember everything you adored about that person. Maybe the 'anticipation' helps weed everything out until you get to the heart of your grief...the heart of what you believe.

I have moments of celebration. I know my PapPap will be going to Heaven to be with Jesus - my Grandmother will be waiting for him, as will his brother and parents, the list could go on. But, oh, how I wish the outcome could be different. I wish it with everything in my being when I look into the weeping eyes of my 6 year old son as he so honestly cries, 'I just want him to stay here, Mommy, I just want him to stay here.'

You see, grief takes on a whole new dimension when you see grief through the eyes of a child. They have faith that is unlike 'adult' faith - adult faith sometimes plays games and sometimes it isn't genuine, trying to put on a brave face or act like they have everything together. The faith of a child has no pretense. It is raw, honest faith. The kind of faith that tells it like it is...'I just want him to stay here, Mommy.'

God honors that kind of grief and brings healing as much as he honors those that put on the brave face...we all grieve differently, the question becomes what do we do in that grief, with that grief. Do we turn TOWARDS God for peace, comfort or do we turn away FROM God in anger and doubt.

Good bye is coming. It is inevitable. I can't stop it, I can't change it, it will happen. I don't want to say good bye, I don't want to. I don't want to walk through the grief, again. Grief is hard, it hurts.

BUT, I love that word, BUT -- there is a light in the darkness. There is a peace in the storm. There is hope that this is NOT really good bye. I can hold on to the hand of God as I say my good byes - He had to say good bye to His Son. He knows the pain of loss, He knows what that feels like. So, I can trust Him. I DO trust Him. So, I can say 'good bye' knowing that one day I will see my PapPap again.

There is a song in a Disney movie (I know, I've ruined this whole thing :) ) that seems to fit...although, I'm changing the words!

Good bye is NOT forever
Farewell is NOT the end

For in my heart's a memory

And there you'll always be... until we meet again!

One year

It is hard to believe a full year has past since the Lord blessed us with a precious gift, Zachary.

He was ours to have on this earth for such a short time, but ours to love and cherish forever.
In his brief time on this earth he drew MANY back to God, he reminded MANY of the faith they let go of...I still wonder how are WE at doing that? Do WE draw others to God? Does our life and the way we live it remind others of the faith they let go of??
Only 20 days on this earth and yet Zachary teaches us a LIFETIME of lessons.
I still cry out to God and ask the question, 'WHY?' But, I know HIS plans and thoughts are higher than mine and I can't help but believe that Zachary did exactly what Zachary was supposed to do on this earth, then God saw fit to heal his broken body and take him home.
Though there is hope in the fact that we will see him again when Jesus calls us home, the tears flow ever so freely today. In Zachary's memory, I am reposting my entry from last year, for these words are as true today as they were then.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRECIOUS BOY, AUNTIE LOVES YOU!

This post is in loving memory of Zachary Byron Taylor

January 13, 2011 - February 2, 2011

The pain is intense. It is actual, physical pain. It feels as though my heart is being ripped right out of my chest. It is hard to catch your breath at times. The anguish comes in waves. You never know when the next wave is going to overtake you. Then, you are at the mercy of the grief. You just have to let it overwhelm you, overtake you, give it back to Christ, then you wait for the next wave to come.

This describes the pain of the Auntie. It can not even come close to the pain of Mom, Dad, and big brother. I won't even try to understand or imagine what that pain is like. I can not. I have not carried a child, prayed over a child, then lost a child. I know my pain, but I do not know THAT pain.

And yet. Yet. That is a strange word at a time like this. And yet, there is hope. There is peace. There is comfort. There is purpose. There is faith.

There is hope because we know this life is not our final destination. There is hope because one day we too will be called to heaven and Zachary will be there waiting for us. There is hope that because Jesus Christ conquered the grave, death does not have the final say!

There is peace because we know Zachary is safe in the arms of Jesus today. There is peace because Zach is no longer in pain. He is now complete, safe, whole, alive and resting at the foot of the Throne of grace...the same Throne we lifted our prayers to.

There is comfort that can only come from Christ. Comfort that though we do not understand God's plan, there WAS a plan! There is comfort that Zachary's life drew many to Christ. There is comfort knowing that God knows this pain, that He catches every tear, that He carries this grief with us and wants to bring us to the other side. There is comfort in trusting His hand.

There is purpose. If you followed Zachary's journey you saw it. You saw the purpose. You saw thousands upon thousands joining together to storm the gates of heaven for this little life. I KNOW there were people who prayed for the first time in their lives for our family...I know because they were my friends. Friends who had never prayed before. That's purpose.
We may never know the whole scope of what Zachary's life here on earth will have in eternal consequences, but I do know that God was proclaimed and declared and somewhere - someone has learned a new or remembered something long forgotten...that there is a God who loves us!

There is faith. You couldn't follow Zachary's life and ignore the faith of his Mom and Dad. It was overwhelming faith. They knew they could not hold on to Zachary with tightly clinched fists...he belonged to God, he was only given to them for a moment. Did we want that moment to be longer -- to be many years with his family...ABSOLUTELY! Do we now doubt the God we profess because it did not turn out the way we wanted??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Our God is STILL good. Our God is STILL God. Our God is STILL loving. Our God is STILL faithful. Our God STILL answers prayers. Our God is STILL worthy. Our God is STILL trustworthy.

The pain is real. The pain is hard to understand. The questions are real. The questions are hard to answer. But, still, in all of the pain and the questions there is still God! In His timing and in His perfect plan we trust. That is the essence of faith after all. We can not claim to believe Him if we do not trust Him.

So, what do you do with utter heartbreak??? Bring it to Jesus! For in Him and ONLY in Him can the broken be restored!

Thank you for those that were praying for Zachary, his Mom, Dad, and big brother. Thank you for the prayers you prayed for the extended family. We will never be able to express what those prayers meant to us all. We do covet your prayers more than ever as we grieve the loss of Zachary. More prayers needed for Mom, Dad, and big brother...the grief is unimaginable. Pray for their strength, comfort, peace, faith...pray they will continue to be faithful, as they have been throughout this whole journey, to the One who gave Zachary to them in the first place. Pray for a hedge of protection to be around them, that the enemy will NOT be able to infiltrate their hearts and minds!! Pray for the rest of the family as well as we come along side them and help them through this next phase of their journey!

And now, a last goodbye:

Dearest Zachary,

Oh, how I wish I could have seen you with my own two eyes. Oh, how I wish I could have held you in my arms. But, that was not meant to be. Now you get to rest in the arms of Jesus. The place of true rest and comfort. You completed your work on this earth and God saw fit to heal you in the perfect sense of the word. While we will miss you and no one will ever be able to fill the Zachary-sized hole in our family we know that you are safe and whole and resting in the arms of the One who created you from the beginning. We love you and we miss you more than words can ever express. We promise that we will take really good care of your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother Trip. We know how much they are missing you and loved you. We will watch over them and continue to pray for them and walk beside them as they grieve your loss, but celebrate your homegoing. One day, we will see you again. Sleep well precious little Zachary as Jesus rocks you in His arms.

Love you always,
Auntie Serena

Merry HalloBirthgiving!

Well, here is the aforementioned post about Caleb's birthday-

but, between then and now we've had Caleb's birthday, Halloween (postponed trick-or-treat), Hannah's birthday, and we've decorated for Christmas...AND, tomorrow is Thanksgiving - or Thanksmas for us as we're celebrating Thanksgiving AND Christmas with my entire family. As I type, we are waiting for them to arrive!

So, instead of a 'real' post - here are some photos from the last couple of days (or weeks, as the case may be :) ) ENJOY and a VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING to your families!

Where did October go?

(I will be posting a 'Happy Birthday, Caleb' post in a couple of days...)

Where has October gone?? It just disappeared!!

I usually do a Halloween post, showing the kids in their costumes...not this year. At least, not yet! You see a crazy rare (hasn't happened in 140 years!!) snow storm blasted us with more than a foot of snow the night before Halloween. Add that to the fact that our 'fall' is basically 2 weeks behind and all of the trees still have their leaves - well, that equals a giant MESS! Heavy wet snow on trees already heavy with leaves means the trees are coming down and taking everything in its path with it - including power lines!!!

Our power went out on Saturday evening -- we just got it back YESTERDAY afternoon!!! 144 hours without power. We were some of the last people in our town to get power!

It was crazy! The temp in our house was a balmy 48 degrees at times! We spent time at different friends' homes to get warm, have something to eat, sleep, and shower. We are SO VERY grateful for each one of them and how they came to our rescue in our time of need.

Which brings me to the birthday boy -- once our electric company posted their 'should have power back by' update we noticed that Friday was the day we should get our power back. So, to help the poor boy who is a homebody and just wants to play with his toys, we told him he would get electricity for his birthday this year. And, to the amazement and excitement of a sweet little 6 year old boy, he did!! (More on that later!)